By Tom Clifford in Beijing
Welcome to the Bunker, a game show for the whole family. This episode is brought to you by White House Productions, a subsidiary of Trump TV.
The rules are simple: three contestants will compete to provide answers that best match, or get closest to, what the occupant of the White House means when he discusses policies.
The top prize?
Two glorious weeks in the US dodging immigration officials.
The second prize?
Three glorious weeks climbing the Wall.
Contestants, fingers on buzzers, please …
First question: Trump was elected promising no foreign military engagements. Is dropping a bunker bomb a …
Buzz …
Contestant A, you buzzed.
Yes, my answer is … it does not.
Correct answer! Exactly. A bunker bomb is not a military engagement. It is of course an act, not an engagement. It’s an act that could lead to an engagement but, on its own, it is not an engagement.
Next question: Trump wants the Gulf of Mexico to be called the Gulf of America yet refuses to call the real Gulf, in the Middle East, the Persian Gulf. Is this a contradiction?
Buzz …
Contestant B, you may answer.
This is no contradiction. Trump knows the Gulf of America was there since Biblical times. The Persian Gulf, well Persia ain’t there no more.
Correct answer. On a different topic, does Gaza matter?
Buzz …
Contestant C …
No.
Can you be more specific?
No oil. Though it could matter, say with a Trump Hotel and golf course or two, no bunkers, mind you!
Correct. Next question: What is the difference between Iran and Iraq?
Buzz …
Contestant C, again.
N and Q.
Any other difference? I am throwing it open ….time is ticking, I really must insist … too late … the answer of course is: in the 70s Iran was an ally of America … in the 80s, Iraq was an ally of America, for a period neither was an ally and now Iraq is friendlier to the US than Iran.
For a bonus point, the US seems to agree with Israel on regime change in Tehran …
Buzz …
Yes, Contestant A.
Mossadegh.
Remarkable, almost as if you read my mind. I was going to ask did the US ever back regime change in Tehran before?
Buzz …
Contestant B …
1953
Truly remarkable. A year of profound regime change … The Shah to Mossadegh, then back to the Shah. That year represented the very essence of US-backed regime change. Overthrowing democracy! A glorious time for the CIA.
Back to the present.
Does Trump support Mid-East countries having nuclear weapons?
Buzz …
You may answer, Contestant A.
Yes. Israel, of course, does possess nuclear weapons. Unlike Iran, it is not a signatory to the Non-Proliferation Treaty.
Final question … fingers on buzzers … it used to be said that no two countries with a McDonald’s ever took up arms against each other … what is the criteria for peace today?
Buzz …
Contestant C, yet again.
No two countries with a Trump Tower have ever gone to war with each other.
Fantastic answer, Contestant C. You show a real affinity for how the president thinks. And finally, will the president deploy the Big One?
Buzz … Ah, Contestant A. Your answer?
It may not work. You see, the massive ordnance penetrator, to give the Bunker Buster its official title, has never been deployed before.
Thank you!
Brilliant answers. Ladies and gentlemen our time is up. Join us, in maybe two weeks, to find out more about Trump and Iran. Until then, always remember, when it comes to Trump … there are no correct answers!
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